This is my last day in Europe. I had the option to extend, but I just can’t stand it. Travelling is supposed to be a journey of self discovery, I have discovered that there’s so many more reasons for me to hate myself and my life than I ever thought possible.
I started in London, loved it, there’s so much more I want to do there, I made awesome friends and went to crazy VIP nightclubs where I ran outta battery & couldn’t even take photos to prove I was there. 😭
I never wanted to do a tour, the idea of structured travel just hurts my head. What if, I don’t want to wake up at 8 am every morning to either get on a bus for 8 hours or start my day in a city that doesn’t even open for another two hours. My mum was worried so I did it for her. For the most part, I really liked the people. But I felt to contravercial for them, they were all very sheltered & I just couldn’t understand how someone could be the same age as me & still behave so young & innocent.
We started in Paris, of corse we only had 9 hours of free time until we had to be back at the hotel for an activity or back on the bus headed for the next destination. I think Paris needs at least 4 days to explore. So I hated that, we didn’t get to accomplish anything, like, we went to sephora & stood outside the louvre 😪 when I come back there’s so so much more I’ve gotta do.
From there we went to Lucern, where there’s a bridge & a mountain. We had two days there.. 😪 we got probably my favourite photo of the trip though 🙌🏽
We carried on to Lyon which was great, I really enjoyed that & then to Barcelona where something went really, really wrong. We were at a bar & I was talking to some Norwegian guys and my night went from happy & drunk to completly black out crazy within probably an hour. I realised something was wrong so I tried to convince myself I that I just took done some offered cocaine in my crazy state because I knew I could handle that & wouldn’t die. But it was something else that had been put in my drink that I was totally unaware of. I woke up 15 hours later in a different hotel by myself. I had my suitcase with most of my stuff. I went to reception to try figure out where I was & how I paid for the hotel. I was still in Barcelona & I paid with a whole lot of cash..? I only had €300 on me & the hotel cost €550 for the 2 nights, I checked my account & I never withdrew any money & I still had the €300 in my wallet.
It’s a miracle I actually woke up, my only memories was thinking I was going to die & that I couldn’t be here anymore etc. I messaged everyone I knew in Europe in my still really fucked up head space hoping desperately to hear familiar voices or just advice on what to do next, nothing. I couldn’t put anything together from that night. I considered just changing my flights & going home.
Instead I ditched my tour & took a bus to Rome, it was amazing! I think I spent a bit too much time there in hindsight, kind of ran out of sightseeing to do. It was so hot but I couldn’t find any clothing stores so I just had to live with all my winter crap 😪
Venice is somewhere I’d return with my mum or partner, there wasn’t a hell of a lot going on but it was such an amazing place to see. I couldn’t ever go alone again, although I met loads of friends I twice tried dining by myself & never got served. I was wearing normal clothes like everyone else! Whether it be that I was young, female or alone I don’t know, I definitely don’t recommend dining by yourself in Venice as a young female.
I flew from Venice to Amsterdam, there was so much more I wanted to do in Italy, but I knew I had to make my flight to Stockholm. Amsterdam was my favourite so far, unfortunately I was really freaking out about Stockholm that I couldn’t bring myself to go to the bar & make any friends so I just kind of wondered around by myself. I’ll be returning to Amsterdam, with a years working visa, it was absolutely amazing! 🙌🏽🙌🏽😍
I managed to complete 2/3 assignments that are due during this trip. Thank god! I flew from Amsterdam to Stockholm. This bloody country I had avoided like it was that plague for 7 years, it’s a very long story 🙈. It was the reason I took so long to actually travel to Europe at all in the first place. I knew I’d regret not coming here if I just went elsewhere. Basically that’s where I am right now, this city is amazing, I love the people, the atmosphere, everything! It’ll be the middle of the day & only 1 degree, but I love it! At the same time coming here is going to be the worst decision so far, I achieved 1% of what I should’ve coming here, in fact maybe all of Europe. Mostly I’m now just full of hatred of myself and regrets. I regret not knowing the language here, I regret not coming here 6 years ago. I regret booking the tour, I regret actually coming to Europe. I’ve never felt so alone & utterly useless. I hate the life I’ve had, I hate that I have to make it look 1,000 times better than it is on Facebook just to feel worthy of getting any sort of attention from people. I hate that I’m constantly comparing my life to that of each member of my ‘family’ and coming up short, unwanted, uncared for & hopeless. I hate that I thought I’d actually get some sense of relief coming to Sweden or a sense of closure, nothing. Everything is worse than it ever was and fuck me that is really saying something.
I apparently walked straight past a potential relative, didn’t recognise her, probably never will. I offended two middle aged Swedish men for ‘looking the way you (I) do’ and not being able to speak Swedish. What even is that? Shit sorry, I’m white, with a fat mouth, blonde hair and blue eyes. How am I supposed to know how to speak Swedish if I was raised in New Zealand? Fuck! Why did I even apologise to them? Well I’ve got one more day here then back to New Zealand, cannot wait.