5 weeks too long.

This is my last day in Europe.Β I had the option to extend, but I just can’t stand it. Travelling is supposed to be a journey of self discovery, I have discovered that there’s so many more reasons for me to hate myself and my life than I ever thought possible.

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Leaving Auckland πŸ™ŒπŸ½ I remember hoping I’d find a reason never to come back..

I started in London, loved it, there’s so much more I want to do there, I made awesome friends and went to crazy VIP nightclubs where I ran outta battery & couldn’t even take photos to prove I was there. 😭

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My dorm mates, we’re at a craft cocktail bar that almost puts my work to shame.. almost. 🍸

I never wanted to do a tour, the idea of structured travel just hurts my head. What if, I don’t want to wake up at 8 am every morning to either get on a bus for 8 hours or start my day in a city that doesn’t even open for another two hours. My mum was worried so I did it for her. For the most part, I really liked the people. But I felt to contravercial for them, they were all very sheltered & I just couldn’t understand how someone could be the same age as me & still behave so young & innocent.

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All of us at Angelinas getting hot chocolates 😍

We started in Paris, of corse we only had 9 hours of free time until we had to be back at the hotel for an activity or back on the bus headed for the next destination. I think Paris needs at least 4 days to explore. So I hated that, we didn’t get to accomplish anything, like, we went to sephora & stood outside the louvre πŸ˜ͺ when I come back there’s so so much more I’ve gotta do.

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We found this tribal statue outside a museum in Paris, totally random πŸ˜‚

From there we went to Lucern, where there’s a bridge & a mountain. We had two days there.. πŸ˜ͺ we got probably my favourite photo of the trip though πŸ™ŒπŸ½

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I regret wearing leggings now πŸ˜‚

We carried on to Lyon which was great, I really enjoyed that & then to Barcelona where something went really, really wrong. We were at a bar & I was talking to some Norwegian guys and my night went from happy & drunk to completly black out crazy within probably an hour. I realised something was wrong so I tried to convince myself I that I just took done some offered cocaine in my crazy state because I knew I could handle that & wouldn’t die. But it was something else that had been put in my drink that I was totally unaware of. I woke up 15 hours later in a different hotel by myself. I had my suitcase with most of my stuff. Β I went to reception to try figure out where I was & how I paid for the hotel. I was still in Barcelona & I paid with a whole lot of cash..? I only had €300 on me & the hotel cost €550 for the 2 nights, I checked my account & I never withdrew any money & I still had the €300 in my wallet.

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12 hours beforehand πŸ˜“πŸ”«

It’s a miracle I actually woke up, my only memories was thinking I was going to die & that I couldn’t be here anymore etc. I messaged everyone I knew in Europe in my still really fucked up head space hoping desperately to hear familiar voices or just advice on what to do next, nothing. I couldn’t put anything together from that night. I considered just changing my flights & going home.

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On a bus in the middle of nowhere..

Instead I ditched my tour & took a bus to Rome, it was amazing! I think I spent a bit too much time there in hindsight, kind of ran out of sightseeing to do. It was so hot but I couldn’t find any clothing stores so I just had to live with all my winter crap πŸ˜ͺ

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Outside the Colosseum ❀


I went from Rome, to Venice. That was beautiful. The hostel I stayed at was absolutely horrific. It’s part of a chain of hostels yet, this one somehow fucked right up.

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The other hostels only cost 5 Euro btw hahaha.

Venice is somewhere I’d return with my mum or partner, there wasn’t a hell of a lot going on but it was such an amazing place to see. I couldn’t ever go alone again, although I met loads of friends I twice tried dining by myself & never got served. I was wearing normal clothes like everyone else! Whether it be that I was young, female or alone I don’t know, I definitely don’t recommend dining by yourself in Venice as a young female.

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Directly outside my hostel ❀

I flew from Venice to Amsterdam, there was so much more I wanted to do in Italy, but I knew I had to make my flight to Stockholm. Amsterdam was my favourite so far, unfortunately I was really freaking out about Stockholm that I couldn’t bring myself to go to the Β bar & make any friends so I just kind of wondered around by myself. I’ll be returning to Amsterdam, with a years working visa, it was absolutely amazing! πŸ™ŒπŸ½πŸ™ŒπŸ½πŸ˜

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These jeans changed my life =O


I managed to complete 2/3 assignments that are due during this trip. Thank god! I flew from Amsterdam to Stockholm. This bloody country I had avoided like it was that plague for 7 years, it’s a very long story πŸ™ˆ. It was the reason I took so long to actually travel to Europe at all in the first place. I knew I’d regret not coming here if I just went elsewhere. Basically that’s where I am right now, this city is amazing, I love the people, the atmosphere, everything! It’ll be the middle of the day & only 1 degree, but I love it! At the same time coming here is going to be the worst decision so far, I achieved 1% of what I should’ve coming here, in fact maybe all of Europe. Mostly I’m now just full of hatred of myself and regrets. I regret not knowing the language here, I regret not coming here 6 years ago. I regret booking the tour, I regret actually coming to Europe. I’ve never felt so alone & utterly useless. I hate the life I’ve had, I hate that I have to make it look 1,000 times better than it is on Facebook just to feel worthy of getting any sort of attention from people. I hate that I’m constantly comparing my life to that of each member of my ‘family’ and coming up short, unwanted, uncared for & hopeless. Β I hate that I thought I’d actually get some sense of relief coming to Sweden or a sense of closure, nothing. Everything is worse than it ever was and fuck me that is really saying something.

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1 degree in the middle of the day…

I apparently walked straight past a potential relative, didn’t recognise her, probably never will. I offended two middle aged Swedish men for ‘looking the way you (I) do’ and not beingΒ able to speak Swedish. What even is that? Shit sorry, I’m white, with a fat mouth, blonde hair and blue eyes. How am I supposed to know how to speak Swedish if I was raised in New Zealand? Fuck! Why did I even apologise to them? Well I’ve got one more day here then back to New Zealand, cannot wait.

Takapuna Beach β˜€οΈ

Today’s beach is the beautiful Takapuna Beach β˜€οΈ I’ve been venturing out on my own this whole summer because my work hours are so different from everyone else’s. That’s the only bad thing about my work, there’s literally only 50 people on the same schedule in this city πŸ˜‚πŸ˜“ oh well the sacrifices from this summer will be worth it once I’m in Europe I hope 😌

Browns Bay

Just another of Auckland’s beautiful beaches 🌊 😍 4 hours of beautiful sun β˜€οΈ

If you’re ever in the area, avoid the Starbucks at all costs, I waited 30 minutes for my order only to have to line up again just to get a refund. No apology, no offer to actually make my drink that I’d been waiting for, nothing. 0/10.
Xxo.

πŸ‹πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ

Trying to find the motivation to go to the gym while studying for an exam & working 50 hours a week is hell! I’m off to Europe in just over a month for 6 weeks, I’m struggling to get excited to be honest… I’m going places I’ve dreamed of visiting for years but I think I’m worried that I’ll hate it & come back really disappointed 😰